Posted 29th January 2013 1730

So, I’ve realized just recently: I’m the biggest loser on the entire planet. I sit at my computer and watch people do stuff so I feel like I’ve accomplished something with my life… I really haven’t.

These plans I make for myself? They’ll never ever happen, even if I strive for them. I want to join the AF, but I’m a fatass who cries when someone talks about dead animals. I want to go to this great college, but I’d never be able to pay for it. I want to marry this guy, but he doesn’t know I exist and he’d probably just reject my feelings because I’m uber ugly and smell funny. I want to travel the world, but I’d never get the money to do so. I want a job, but nobody will hire me because I have no prior experience in the work place. I want to make friends in real life, but I’m scared of people. I have so many problems that I just want to give up: why don’t I? Because I still have some tiny bit of faith that something- maybe a miracle- will happen one day and I’d be able to do everything on my bucket list.

Believe it or not, I’m lonely and want that one amazing thing to happen where I turn my world upside down and shake it around a little bit. People say I’m beautiful? I disagree, I’m flattered, but I think you’re just being nice. I have a great personality? Hell no, I stutter, I’m super selfless, I’m scared to speak to anyone, I have attention issues and don’t speak up. I’m sweet? I’m a hot head who defends everything I believe in and get kicked down my goddamn knowledge. Fudge your words, I know what I am and you can’t tell me what you think I am. I’m a disgrace to my family name and have done nothing to be proud of in my entire life.

I hear of this brave unmovable child in my mothers’ stories of when I was younger; I wasn’t scared of anything, I didn’t cry when I messed myself up, I did what I wanted and was such a charismatic young girl who cared for everyone and everything: I didn’t even step on or kill bugs because I always believed they had a family to return to and feed.

…Where did that girl go?…

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