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Why?

Fire

Posted 6th September 2012 1534

Why did my dad leave? Why did he put us in a falling apart house and just leave, threatening to put foreclosure on us every day, whenever we went against his will? Every time we try to leave why would he threaten to hurt us? The house is falling apart now. All my friends are getting sick and dying, or getting in trouble and dying in accidents or fights. Every day I tell myself, “Some day, I’ll put a stop to all this, and make the world a better place.” But who am I but one man? Why can’t I find a job? Why can’t I leave this bullshit town and exist as my own being? Why isn’t my life going anywhere? Why is everyone dying? Why has my mom made fun of me every day for the past 13 years even though she got me into medieval fantasy when I was 7? Why am I branded an outcast in 2012 for being liberal, and Atheist? Why am I given the strength to fight for what I believe in, but don’t have the means to? Why does everyone in my life constantly die? Why am I alone? Why couldn’t any of my girlfriends actually love me, and instead use me as a toy? Why is my only living, healthy friend too stupid to understand that not everything in life is a joke? Why do I continue to play in bands even though it’s going nowhere? Why, no matter how hard I try, can nothing good ever happen to me? Why every time I sleep do I have nightmares? Why can’t these flashbacks go away? Why the fuck do I have violent flashbacks even though I never joined the military? Why does my dad constantly send emails and tell everyone how worthless I am? Why do I try to make other peoples’ lives better even though mine sucks? Why do I teach people to defend themselves if I’m always seen as worthless? Why do I have courage and strength but no luck or finances? Why, the second I was getting ready to go into this world, did the country fall apart? Why, even though I’ve smoked for 6 years, do I have no health problems when I just want to be sick like everyone else? Why did college kick me out for dropping one class I was late for all the time, when I got straight high 90’s in my other 4 classes?

I know one thing. I’m pissed the fuck off. Fuck you, world. Some day, no matter what life throws at me, no matter how depressed and hateful I get, one emotion will overpower all of it. Anger. With that anger, I’m going to find a way to make this world better for the common man and woman, and once I’m done, I’m gonna beat the shit out of my father for destroying any chance of me having a life while growing up.

I have to make everything better for myself, for my friends, for my family, and the world. Clinging to the hope that I can do that, is all I have left.

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