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I am such a self-saboteur. Everyone else sees it as a ‘work ethic’, but I know what I’m really doing, and I hate it. I’m at uni doing a course that I absolutely _despise_ because I think it’ll get me a good job. I’ve had so many opportunities to quit, but I chicken out at the last minute because I don’t want to end up poor when I’m older. But the stupid thing is, I don’t even care about money. Thats something my father cares about. Ever since I can remember, he’s always told me how important money is. How, without money, I won’t be happy. But I’m not happy now. In fact, I am suffering from severe depression. I can barely get up in the morning because I think, what’s the point of it all? I know how the day will be before I even live it. I’ll wake up, cry, do some homework, cry, watch some television, cry some more, and then go to sleep, only to wake up at 5am and repeat the whole thing again. I hate it.
I don’t feel I have anything for me here. I don’t really care for my friends, I don’t have a job because, with my uni hours, nobody wants me, my family aren’t a real family, and the only person I’ve ever trusted and loved with all my heart and soul just shattered them completely. And here’s another story. I met someone online quite a few years ago. We went from being strangers, to friends, to soulmates. We never discussed being in a ‘relationship’ because we live on opposite sides of the world, and it would be too hard to maintain. However, I was going to move there at the end of next year. We always said that we’d just stay single until then. We were in love with each other and we knew it. I was prepared to wait, and I thought that they were as well. I was wrong. Now, my move is off, my soulmate is planning to spend their life with someone else, and I’m over here crying myself to sleep every night. I don’t have anything anymore. Our love was perfect and pure and just…incredible. I can’t imagine I’ll ever find someone that I love as much, and who loves me the same way. I’m what would be described as ‘odd’ by most. I’m kooky, a little strange, and always tell the truth. Apparently, that doesn’t make good relationship material. And even if I did find someone else, I’m still so much in love with this person I can’t get over it. They say that they’re hurting too…but I’m the one that was left. So, what do I have here? Why stay? I’m living a life that I hate, and I can’t see any hope for my future. I can’t even get proper counseling for my depression because I can’t afford it. And here’s the kicker - I want to be a psychologist. Brilliant. Just brilliant.
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Posted by Anonymous 29th May 2010I’m sorry - that really sucks. I’m in much the same situation myself. Hang in there…it’ll get better. I have to hope that, anyway.
Posted by Original Poster 29th May 2010Hey thats so odd. I haven’t been here in ages and then you reply to me just as I come back. Unreal. And thanks. I am hanging in there. Barely. This guy is just really messing with my heart. I haven’t spoken to him for weeks now and its killing me. Whats even worse is that my sister is moving to Singapore (where he lives) next month because she’s doing an engineering course there. Major bummer.
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