Posted 13th March 2011 2426

So, why me? That’s the question I’ve been asking ‘God’ for quite some time. And it was his response that I never received that led me to be an Agnostic.

So, what’s the problem? Well, it’s simple and complicated but I will try not to take up too much text space.

First off, I’m a 20 year old male. I live in Orange County, California. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. My Dad never really gave me any attention growing up because he was too busy with work and such, and when I got older, like young adult older, he started paying attention to me but I didn’t want him to I felt like it was too late. I love my Dad and I feel like I’m a failure of a son to him. I love my Mom to death and wish I could change things for her.

Growing up, I’ve been bullied and picked on since 2nd grade. Kids saying I’m too white or just saying I’m weird. Not including me into groups. I was an outcast, plain and simple. I didn’t start liking girls until maybe about 3rd or 4th grade. Again, I’m 20 years old mind you…and I think I’ve ever only been on maybe 2 dates, if even that? I’ve never even kissed a girl, held her hand, sleep with her (not sex, but just laying down) and sex. I feel like I’m such an ugly person. Why me? I’m not overweight; I have a good heart; I’m caring. All these characteristics I posses and for some reason nobody sees them. Sure, I may not be Brad Pitt but dammit this is how I am this is how I look and if I change the way I look then I wouldn’t be ME! Why do all these guys with gigantic muscles and good looks get all the girls? They lack a personality such as mine (don’t attack me, I don’t mean everybody, just generally speaking…) and I’m so much different and unique. I know how to treat a lady. Chivalry is dead? Fuck that. I always hold the door open for a lady. For guys too (No, I am not gay). I’m just a nice person. That’s how I was raised. Yet, somehow, it’s getting me nowhere in life.

Growing up, as mentioned about being bullied, I also had little to no friends. I spent most of my time playing with action figures, Lego’s, etc. I slowly, as I got older, got into computers and video games. Soon enough, they were my only escape from the world. My only ‘friends’. Even at 20 I have little to no friends. I go to college; I have parties at my house sometimes; I go places with people; Yet, somehow, I still feel like nobody wants me around or to hangout with me. Even my best friend has been acting weird recently, like we’re not best friends.

During High School, I was picked on so much and having conflict with my Dad that I fell into a severe depression and contemplated suicide multiple times. I almost went through with it, holding a bottle of my medications, ready to swallow every single one. I was just thinking about my life. At first, “Who’s going to miss me? Nobody. Nobody gives a fuck about me. I’ll die and tomorrow nobody will even notice.” Then, all of the sudden, I imagined my funeral…and I just saw my Mother there…crying, and crying, and crying. And it just really got to me. It chewed me up. I couldn’t stand to see what my Mom would be like standing over her dead son’s body. So, I decided I wouldn’t do it, that I’d see how things turn out.

I prayed to God, every single day. Every night before bed I would pray to him and ask him to please forgive me for whatever sins I have committed and to just help me and guide me through the troubles I was going through. I did this again and again and again. Months, Years. No answer. So I said fine, if God won’t answer me, then there is no God. I became an Agnostic.

Trying to see if I missed anything… Well, I moved from house to house and school to school when I was a youngster, so it seemed like there was no time to make friends. However, every school I went to, the kids treated me the same, all the way up to 12th grade. Even at a Christian Academy I went to, and a Private School, the kids hated me. Was it because I was ugly? Because I had extremely light skin color? Because I look different? I don’t know what the fuck it was but I wanted to die. I had no friends, no God, nothing… I was just alone, bound to a chair and stuck on a computer, my only escape from my fucked up reality.

I really don’t know what else to add other than I hate my life.

Oh, on top of that note, I feel like I’m so unappreciative of life and I feel like I don’t deserve it. Like, I wish I would go blind, deaf, or mute. Or for something to happen to me where I would be disabled, so I could just appreciate LIFE in general and not be so unappreciative.

Geez, I don’t even know what else to say… If you’re reading this, then thank you I suppose. If not, then I suppose I did let off some steam…

Any advice is welcomed but please don’t throw a pity party for me. I just want to be normal and love life like everyone else.

3 Comments Forgive Condemn