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Why me?

Cry

Posted 13th March 2011 164

So, why me? That’s the question I’ve been asking ‘God’ for quite some time. And it was his response that I never received that led me to be an Agnostic.

So, what’s the problem? Well, it’s simple and complicated but I will try not to take up too much text space.

First off, I’m a 20 year old male. I live in Orange County, California. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. My Dad never really gave me any attention growing up because he was too busy with work and such, and when I got older, like young adult older, he started paying attention to me but I didn’t want him to I felt like it was too late. I love my Dad and I feel like I’m a failure of a son to him. I love my Mom to death and wish I could change things for her.

Growing up, I’ve been bullied and picked on since 2nd grade. Kids saying I’m too white or just saying I’m weird. Not including me into groups. I was an outcast, plain and simple. I didn’t start liking girls until maybe about 3rd or 4th grade. Again, I’m 20 years old mind you…and I think I’ve ever only been on maybe 2 dates, if even that? I’ve never even kissed a girl, held her hand, sleep with her (not sex, but just laying down) and sex. I feel like I’m such an ugly person. Why me? I’m not overweight; I have a good heart; I’m caring. All these characteristics I posses and for some reason nobody sees them. Sure, I may not be Brad Pitt but dammit this is how I am this is how I look and if I change the way I look then I wouldn’t be ME! Why do all these guys with gigantic muscles and good looks get all the girls? They lack a personality such as mine (don’t attack me, I don’t mean everybody, just generally speaking…) and I’m so much different and unique. I know how to treat a lady. Chivalry is dead? Fuck that. I always hold the door open for a lady. For guys too (No, I am not gay). I’m just a nice person. That’s how I was raised. Yet, somehow, it’s getting me nowhere in life.

Growing up, as mentioned about being bullied, I also had little to no friends. I spent most of my time playing with action figures, Lego’s, etc. I slowly, as I got older, got into computers and video games. Soon enough, they were my only escape from the world. My only ‘friends’. Even at 20 I have little to no friends. I go to college; I have parties at my house sometimes; I go places with people; Yet, somehow, I still feel like nobody wants me around or to hangout with me. Even my best friend has been acting weird recently, like we’re not best friends.

During High School, I was picked on so much and having conflict with my Dad that I fell into a severe depression and contemplated suicide multiple times. I almost went through with it, holding a bottle of my medications, ready to swallow every single one. I was just thinking about my life. At first, “Who’s going to miss me? Nobody. Nobody gives a fuck about me. I’ll die and tomorrow nobody will even notice.” Then, all of the sudden, I imagined my funeral…and I just saw my Mother there…crying, and crying, and crying. And it just really got to me. It chewed me up. I couldn’t stand to see what my Mom would be like standing over her dead son’s body. So, I decided I wouldn’t do it, that I’d see how things turn out.

I prayed to God, every single day. Every night before bed I would pray to him and ask him to please forgive me for whatever sins I have committed and to just help me and guide me through the troubles I was going through. I did this again and again and again. Months, Years. No answer. So I said fine, if God won’t answer me, then there is no God. I became an Agnostic.

Trying to see if I missed anything… Well, I moved from house to house and school to school when I was a youngster, so it seemed like there was no time to make friends. However, every school I went to, the kids treated me the same, all the way up to 12th grade. Even at a Christian Academy I went to, and a Private School, the kids hated me. Was it because I was ugly? Because I had extremely light skin color? Because I look different? I don’t know what the fuck it was but I wanted to die. I had no friends, no God, nothing… I was just alone, bound to a chair and stuck on a computer, my only escape from my fucked up reality.

I really don’t know what else to add other than I hate my life.

Oh, on top of that note, I feel like I’m so unappreciative of life and I feel like I don’t deserve it. Like, I wish I would go blind, deaf, or mute. Or for something to happen to me where I would be disabled, so I could just appreciate LIFE in general and not be so unappreciative.

Geez, I don’t even know what else to say… If you’re reading this, then thank you I suppose. If not, then I suppose I did let off some steam…

Any advice is welcomed but please don’t throw a pity party for me. I just want to be normal and love life like everyone else.

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Comments

Posted by Mirrored view 14th March 2011

Done in two parts, Character limit. Part 1

First off, I think it’s good that you didn’t commit suicide. Now moving past that, you seem to have answered your own questions. I don’t think God had anything to do with it. Your dad left and things with him are tough. I’m sorry but your hardly the only one with that problem. Seek help and get past it. You moved around a lot as a kid. Any body who ever had to make friends in a new school will tell you its a bitch, and you had to do it often. No wonder you never had friends. It’s also no surprise you never had a girlfriend, how could you if you wouldn’t stay in a place long enough?

The overall sense I got is that you’re kinda feeling sorry for and generally very down on yourself. As a general principle people (both sexes) are attracted to and become friends with people who are confident or at least comfortable with themselves. You may need to work on that , else just fake it.

Posted by Anonymous 14th March 2011

Part 2

You’re 20 years old, its time to stop blaming everybody else for what you’re not happy with. If there’s something you don’t like about your life…. FIX IT!!!! Stay in one place, find a counselor, work out your daddy issues, which will hopefully help your confidence, get out there (friends don’t just pop up if you stay home and play video games), make friends (both sexes) and give them a chance to see all those wonderful qualities you have. Sooner or later you’ll find a girlfriend and you’ll get to do all those romantic things you wrote and those nasty things you didn’t write.

And don’t forget to tell your mum how much you love her. Mums love hearing that.

Posted by Xelon 14th March 2011

I’ll be using the alias Xelon on here.

Thanks Mirrored. You do have a point. I just need to get some help.

One thing I did leave out, however, is my ‘addiction’ to marijuana for the past few months. I’ve been smoking all day every day and it’s been messing me up big time. I’ve been staying up all night and falling asleep during the day. Wake up with headaches… It’s horrible.

Again, thank you for your kind-hearted advice. I will use it.

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