Posted 20th December 2015 1519

So i caught my bf cheatin. It was like wit 3 other women, too. Fucking asshole. I was so damn pissed. I mean we’d just bought a dog and moved in wit each other. I thought we’d be togetha forever. I thought he was, y’know, “the one” n all that shit. But no, i’d been so fuckin wrong. This bastard goes around sleepin wit 3 other hoes while i’m in miami meetin my mom and her dumbass new husband. n yeah, there was this hot cuban dude down there and we may have had a couple drinks together and wrestled a bit under the covers if ya know what i mean, but still, that isn’t as bad as what my bf did.
So i was fuming, and i was thinkin, “what the fuck should i do to get back at him before i break his puny rotten heart?” And i got it.
I got his fave brand of vodka, the REAL fancy shit, and i laced it wit sumthin. And he didn’t suspect a thing as he drank it. Then he passed out. Totally out, ain’t nothin wakin him up from dat shit. It’s the real deal mama. So i take his pants off, and i know our dog loves pickles, so i pour some vinegar on his junk and get our dog. And i didn’t think it’d be so easy, but the dog bites his dick off in one big snap. It came clean off! And i was like, “damn.”
So i chase the dog down and get the dick out of her mouth, and i hide it in an empty pickle jar and pour some vinegar in there, and i close it up and i hide it in the attic and i call an ambulance ’cause fuck that shit was bleedin bad. And they come and they’re like, “what the fuck HAPPENED?!?” And i had to keep from laughing ’cause it was so damn funny. And i tell them we were gettin’ busy, but i had to take a crap, so i left my bf on the bed wit his pants off. And he must’ve gotten tired and fallen asleep, ’cause the dog came up and bit his dick off. And i hear hims screaming and i jump off the pot mid-shit to come out just in time to see the dog swallow his dick and run off. And the blood loss was so bad that by the time the ambulance got here he’s passed out. I thought for sure they’d find the drugs in his blood, but nah they didn’t question nothin. So my bf thinks the dog ate his dick. And yeah, they put the dog down (”for the safety of others”), and yeah i feel bad bout that, but damn my ex ain’t gonna be fuckin no more girls, that’s for sure!
The best part is, when he came home from the hospital n we were opening up hosptial bills, i said, “ey man, this too much. I’m out.” And i fuckin broke up with him! HA! That’ll show him not to cheat on me! And yeah, so i moved into my own place and got a new dog, and i got his dick-in-a-pickle-jar on display in my room, right next to a picture of our old dog. It’s fun to shake the jar around sometimes. Maybe i’ll put like a glowstick in there n it can be my nightlight or some shit.

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