Posted 13th April 2010 59

i’m going through the motions right now to get this surgery. i really want it. i’ve tried to lose weight on my own and i gained a lot of it back. i lost a little over 100 lbs and gained more than half back. it’s hard. i’ve been fat my whole life. this isn’t just a lazy person talking. this is a real problem. here’s the thing, i’m ashamed to get the surgery. i won’t tell anyone i’m trying to get it done. 3 people know. my roommate doesn’t even know. i kind of feel like a failure. weighing the pros and cons made all the difference. when worrying about not being able to drink alcohol for a year or so factored in as one of the biggest cons, i knew i needed to do this. i’m pretty good at keeping my priorities in line. but i do like to party, and that is not going to be the same. the not eating isn’t that scary. i’ve starved myself before and at least this is not like that. the whole hair falling out part concerns me. i keep hearing that it’s not permanent. the extra skin is kind of a bother, but i’ll cross that bridge when it comes. i’ll get tucked, lifted, and snipped if need be. lol. more than anything, i’m worried about losing my ‘party friends’. i know that means they aren’t my real friends and blah-blah-blah, but they are the only thing that makes me feel ok. i have the most fun with them. some of them really do feel like real friends. loneliness really feeds my depression. at least around all of them i don’t think about how unhappy i am. i have fun. i’m liked. i’m really liked. people love me. what if that stops when i’m not bar hopping and party planning. anyway, the good stuff… my body will digest food differently and i will be able to lose a lot of weight really fast. i won’t feel ugly and hate myself so much. there’s the health benefit too. i will be overcoming my biggest life long struggle. i can name a few friends i know i won’t lose over the lifestyle change. that’s good. i won’t be totally alone. there’s a lot more to me than partying too, so i will just focus more on those things. the arts and such. that will be good for my mind and soul. i think i’ll be ok. fuck the fakes i lose. this is about bettering me. for once this is all about me.

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