Posted 2nd May 2017 1127

I honestly doubt anyone will read something this long, but here we go anyways. I don’t want this post to be a cry for attention or anything, but I need to rant so fucking badly.

I’m not self-diagnosing because I honestly think that you should go to the doctor and figure it out with them, but I think I have anxiety, am suicidal and depressed. I’m not sure if depression fits in with being suicidal or vice-versa, but I listed both because I want to be sure. I’m also not sure if suicidal is only wanting to die or kill myself because I don’t trust any websites on the internet very much.

All I know is a) I want to die so badly and I would do it if I wasn’t terrified of my friends and family being sad, b) I don’t know if there are any official symptoms of anxiety, but I get panic attacks frequently and b) I can’t help but feel sad about everything, want to throw up all day (especially at school) and lose motivation for almost everything. In addition; I either can’t sleep, or sleep for way too long and overeat or don’t eat at all.

To be honest, I think a lot of this is due to multiple things. One of them being school, in general. Being forced to wake up at 6:00 in the morning, having to do shit presentations which cause panic attacks, not being able to eat or go to the washroom on my own time and having to do play crappy PE games which don’t help my physical health and pretty much make my mental health go down every time. As well as all that, if I let subtle hints to my friends and teachers they either pass it off as, “just being sad,” or, “not being serious.” I can’t talk to my parents about it because, although they love me, they either won’t do anything or just not take me seriously and tell me not to think like that.

Also, I’ve been told that because I’m a white female, have a good house and parents that I, “can’t be depressed.” That is 100% bullshit. Sure, I’ll admit that I’m not being abused, bullied or anything along the lines of that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to die and I can’t have panic attacks and anxiety about every little thing.

I honestly don’t know why I feel this way, I just do.

Anyways, if you did read this whole thing, thanks for reading it.

Bye

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