nightmare about rape

Posted 8th July 2015 48

I had a bad nightmare i was raped last night. it’s funny that when i was young i didnt worry about things like this but as i am getting older (im in my late twenties), i feel my mortality and worry about these things. like yesterday a guy on the elevator complimented me and i got all weird and scared. when i was young, id of been like thanks and maybe even flirted with him. maybe got dinner.

but now i’m older and i have been thru so many things rapey situations. i drank too much and put myself through it. i think it was a mix of reasons. mainly because i was an alcoholic. thus, i also never dealt with the pain of what happened when i was drunk more than once. in fact, at one point, this guy i was dating raped me. i woke up to him raping me and i just let it happen. i kept dating him. my ex husband raped me when we were married sometimes if i didnt want to have sex.

i’ve also been in abusive relationships.

really, i thnk the problem is that i’m just a little too ugly and guys want to hurt me bc i just dont seem precious enough to them to be gentle with and protect as they would someone they deemed pretty and thus worthy of being protected and loved.

not even my own dad wanted to love and protect me. my own dad moved away from me when i was 7 yrs old and when i called him time and time again my whole life until he died, he never evenm called me back except once.

probly cos of all this, i am weird around guys and it sucks.

to relate this to the dream, i think maybe i’m dealing with the feelings i avoided through alcoholism, or maybe this dream has a deeper meaning. maybe theyre just my finally dealing with this old *@$#.

when i think about it, i have had lots of bad experiences with guys and now i just really dont want anythng to do with any of them. and i dont even know where to start when it comes to dealing with how i feel about whats happened.

on one hand, its horrible. on the other, nobody told me to be an alcoholic. i guess that that’s the trouble.

i thank god im still healthy physically after all that.

i’m glad to get this off my chest. i just didnt want to tell anyone about my weird dream or about all the ridiculous trauma from my past so i’m sharing with yall and i feel better.

bye